Fractured

Different…

Different than what I expected

Different in ways both terrifying and exhilarating

 

I am unsure…

Unsure of how to proceed

Unsure of how to commit to the unknown

 

Guilty…

Heavy with it because you don’t know

Guilty because I know I am unworthy of you

 

Is this moving too quickly?

It feels like it has been years

But time has a way of playing tricks on me

 

What was that song again?

“Wise men say… Only fools rush in…”

Something like that… echoing faintly in my mind

 

None of this is complete….

Fractured like my thoughts

Fractured like my heart

 

Scared…

Scared because you may realize

Scared because you may see

 

I am not the person you want me to be…

When Life Calls (excerpt)

The morning was more gray than I felt it should have been for Spring in North Carolina. It wasn’t that the sun was covered up or that any storm was brewing in the distance, I realized; it was that she was leaving me. She was walking out the door in a few hours and I may never see her again, or at least, it may be years before any kind of reunion. When did life suddenly happen? Weren’t we both freshman in high school just a few days ago? I knew it had really been years, but on a day like today memories like that seemed so much closer. They had moved from the back burners in my mind and come splashing in front of my eyes in vivid color, like a series of emotional movies that left my heart both full and empty all at the same time. How had it come to this? Weren’t we going to grow old together and start our own zoo after traveling the world? Hadn’t we said “screw marriage and kids; Our friendship is more than enough”?

“Dang it, Sarah! You have gone and ruined everything!” I screamed out loud.

***************************

It was mid December and the ground was covered in a slushy white substance we southerners liked to call snow. Sarah and I had just graduated from University last Summer and after several months of saving up together we had finally managed to get that “dream apartment” we had always talked about together. In reality it was a run down little mess in a section-8 part of town, but it was our little mess and we were happy with it. What mattered is that we both had four year degrees, jobs, our own cars, and we were no longer living with our parents. Whenever I got down about not having more Sarah would look at me and remind me of this fact and finish with her famous statement, “Kit, it’s the little things in life.” She was ever the optimist and it was part of the reason I loved her so much. She was good for me in ways I couldn’t always find words for.

Sarah always pushed me to do things I never thought I could do before and she spent much of her time looking for the silver-lining in every situation. I, however, was almost the exact opposite. I was so selfish at times I couldn’t see the silver-lining in anything if it was flashed right in front of my face. I could spend hours on a rainy day curled up in a dark corner at home ignoring other people and reading a book. I was perfectly happy being a hermit and only going places if it were just Sarah and I. It’s not that I didn’t love getting out. Traveling was actually a huge passion of mine. I just didn’t feel the need to share those experiences with anyone but my best friend. Sarah, on the other hand, was a huge extrovert. She thrived off of group outings and loved getting involved in every type of community event that had the words “art” or “dance” in them. I would probably never choose to be involved in any of that stuff on my own but she always managed to talk me into it with those big puppy-dog brown eyes of hers. It drove me a little bit crazy, but her enthusiasm for life was contagious, so I usually ended up enjoying it all in spite of myself.

“Kit, you have to get out and meet new people every now and then and experience new things.” Sarah told me matter-of-factly. “We should never stop growing as individuals.”

“That may be true, Sarah, but it doesn’t mean I always have to like it.” I grumbled back.

 

(This is a very small glimpse of a story I recently wrote for my Creative Writing Workshop. Let me know if you’d like to read the whole thing. I’d appreciate the feedback and constructive criticism.)

The Internal Prison of Southern Charm

 

The Internal Prison of Southern Charm

I walked up to her and took note of her hurriedly tied back hair and swollen eyes and asked her how she was doing today. She looked up at me, took a quick breath, put on her best smile and said, “I’m doing fine; How are you?”

_________

I recently saw this challenge on A Harsh Reality’s blog post and I thought it was interesting. The challenge was this: Write a story in two sentences.

Well, challenge accepted.

Collection of Life Poems

They Think Her Name is Silence
Blurred lines
No definition.
An empty soul
With no clear vision.
The world looks on and sees a “sweet girl,” and they think her name is
Silence.

Dreams
I dream of days
Where we ride paths
That never end
And eat ice cream
On stairs marked
By memories of childhood.

Escape
Freedom!
Wind in my hair;
Windows down, music up!
That beat, thrum, Thrum, THRUM,
Matching the rhythm of my heart.
I want to go far and never come back.

Empty Spaces
Mornings filled with silence.
Coffee sipped alone.
I didn’t realize I’d miss the spaces you filled.
Perhaps I did not realize they were empty before you.
Perhaps…
Was it you specifically?
Do I miss your voice because I loved you,
or is it because I miss having someone there when everyone else is asleep?
I don’t trust these feelings.
Emotions lie to you when you are lonely.
This isn’t fair… To you or to me.
This isn’t fair.

 

 

I took these off of my site for a while and now I am re-posting them as a collection. All poems are by me.

 

 

 

Is Jane Wall a Ghost? (Short Story Final Draft)

Growing up I was Alice Day the day dreamer who drooled in class and didn’t know how to take social cues. I either awkwardly forced my way into social gatherings or sat in the corner like a shadow, alone and ignored. I was the girl that didn’t fit in anywhere; too different and too quiet to be accepted. I was a ghost. A ghost trapped in a little town in Virginia with no options of escape; that is, until I moved. Moving changed everything, including me. A new town and a new school meant a clean slate and a chance to get in with the popular kids. Even if they were nothing like the real me I would no longer be a ghost, and for a while I thought that was enough. After all, isn’t it better to go with the flow and fit in than to be yourself and be alone? This is what I thought for a long time, until I started to notice her.

Jane Wall was the girl most people barely noticed in the corner of the lunch room no one really realized they avoided. When her name was called in class, it was immediately forgotten by those around me, and none of her clothes ever seemed to fit the mold. I at times thought that she was a ghost, playing tricks on my mind that made me think she was alive, until my day was over and I questioned if she had really been there at all. That would have been far more interesting than the Jane that did not speak unless she had to and wore holes into paper from her nervous doodling. Her presence frustrated me for some reason and I was unsure why she never seemed to leave my head even though she rarely popped into anyone else’s.

“Some people just don’t have a life,” I recall my friend Ashley saying to me one day as we migrated towards the end of the cafeteria full of kids loudly discussing their clothes and what their moms packed them for lunch today. I found her statement ironic in the context we were in, but I kept that opinion to myself.

Ashley knew everything. I knew this because she told me she had the boys wrapped around her finger and she never got a C on her assignments. I chose to hang out with her because she was interesting and fun, or at least, that is what everyone else seemed to think, and that was good enough for me. She chose to hang out with me because I was just interesting enough to not embarrass her and just boring enough to make her look better. I never saw anything wrong with this arrangement, mostly because I didn’t think I had any better options; But, then there was Jane.

“Do you really think Jane doesn’t ever do anything worth talking about?” I whispered back to Ashley, afraid that Jane may have somehow appeared behind us without me knowing it.

Ashley just rolled her eyes in response and the question was ignored as someone less average than me captured her attention. As she talked about boys with this newcomer, my eyes slowly wandered back to where Jane was sitting in the corner by herself. She had not moved an inch since the last time I had looked at her, not even to eat the food on her tray. This was something I didn’t blame her for, as I glanced down at my own tray and realized that our lunch looked more like the aftermath of a bad skydiving trip. Perhaps she was frozen in fear at what might happen if she put any of it in her mouth. Literally frozen. I thought to myself. Is she even breathing?

My careful case study of the unmoving Jane Wall ended abruptly as I ran into the back of Ashley and dumped my skydiver vomit all over the cafeteria floor.

“Alice!” Ashley whined loud enough to catch everyone’s attention. “You could have gotten that all over my new clothes, you space cadet!”

I blushed and apologized in a rushed way that made my words spill together as she made a show of helping me clean up the mess I had made.

“Oh, it’s alright.” She said with exaggerated kindness. “I’m really not sure what you would do without me here to help you.”

Her words made me cringe a little and I sighed as I watched everyone around us nod sympathetically in Ashley’s direction. She smiled at them all in turn, as if to say, “This is just a side effect of being interesting,” and got up to throw away the one napkin she had touched the vomit with. I finished cleaning up and followed her to the table, trying to pay attention as she resumed conversation about boys and the latest fashions.

Sometimes I felt like I was just as out of place in the popular circle as I was when I had no friends. Was being with someone who treated me like this really worth me not being myself?

This was supposed to be the opposite of boring. This was supposed to make me more interesting and fun. These people were supposed to be my best friends. Why did I inwardly hate it so much?

I found my eyes wandering to where Jane Wall sat again and I blinked as I noticed she still had yet to move. I wondered if she always sat like this and I just hadn’t noticed; But that seemed just a little too boring to be boring. I was just about to get up and enter the side of the cafeteria everyone accidentally avoided just to check and see if she was still alive when she suddenly looked up at me. It was nothing more than a quick jolt that disappeared as soon as she looked away, but I was left with this odd feeling that she had just returned from somewhere far away.

This was the moment I realized that I was actually very curious about Jane Wall, the most boring, almost nonexistent person in our class of interesting and slightly mediocre people.

What if Jane is the interesting one, and the rest of us are too boring for her to notice? The thought entered my mind without permission and took root in the center of my brain. At first, I tried to shake it out of my head. This idea was unacceptable and absurd. After all, I knew what being a ghost was like. What would Ashley think? What would the rest of my peers think? If I followed this thought to Jane would I not become as boring and unnoticed as she was? Would I not become a ghost again? However, as crazy as it was and as much as I wanted to avoid it, this thought’s roots slowly started to spread throughout my mind until I could no longer ignore its presence.

_____________________

The next day began a bit differently than I was used to. I found my attention immediately drawn to Jane Wall as soon as I walked into our homeroom. Had her desk always been in front of mine or had she purposefully moved? I found it weird that she was looking at me as I sat down behind her. It almost seemed like she had been waiting for me to arrive, and for some reason that was very unnerving. What if she suddenly thought she had a chance to be my friend just because we had happened to make eye contact the day before? What if she tried to have a conversation with me? What if-

“Good morning, Alice.” My head snapped up as an unfamiliar voice broke through my panic.

I very quickly realized, to my shock and horror, that it was Jane that had spoken to me and she was still looking at me. Had her voice always been this clear and confident? Weird…

In order to avoid coming off as rude, just in case the people around me had noticed what was going on, I smiled at her and responded.

“Good morning, Jane.” My voice cracked. I was flustered. I didn’t want to be boring.

She smiled at me and I thought I saw the air crackle around her for a brief second, which should have bothered me more than the thought of being seen as boring by association, but I was too caught up in myself to give it much thought. I did note that her smile was surprisingly above average though, and this was frustratingly curious.

Jane turned back around as Ashley walked into the room and I pinched myself to bring reality back. Just like that, things were back to normal. As Ashley stopped to complain to me about her mom’s choice of breakfast that morning I slowly forgot about Jane Wall again. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe none of that had actually happened and Jane was still the overly quiet, plain girl that always averted her eyes we were all comfortable with forgetting.

Or maybe she had a secret.

_______________________

The rest of the day was full of evidence; Evidence to support my theory that Jane Wall had a secret. I found myself watching her in spurts throughout the day, trying to convince myself I was crazy. I was surprised at what I noticed.

Jane Wall was not just doodling on her paper and her quick movements were not out of nervousness; She was not only great at drawing, she was fast. Jane Wall smiled and swayed back and forth while she was in the lunch line, as if she was enjoying a song that only she could hear. Jane Wall got A’s on all her homework and the teachers seemed to like her. Jane Wall watched everyone when she thought they were not looking and made faces at them. Jane Wall froze at lunch time and this time I was sure that the air around her crackled.

Jane Wall knew I was watching her.

As the school day drew to a close I had made up my mind. I was going to walk home with Jane and try to hold a conversation with her. If she was as interesting as I was starting to think she was then maybe I would start to hang out with her, and if she wasn’t, then no one would be around to judge me for talking to her.

Plus, I really just want to know if she goes somewhere at lunch that the rest of us don’t know about, or if I’m just losing my eyesight along with my mind. I thought to myself.

The bell rang and I jogged out of school with my books hanging halfway out of my bag. I had just seen Jane walk out the double doors and down the sidewalk towards the street and I didn’t want to miss her. As I neared the street and turned left on the sidewalk I screeched and came to an abrupt halt, sending my loose books out of my bag and onto the cement. Jane was suddenly standing right in front of me, as if she had been waiting for me to come.

“Hello again, Alice.” She said brightly. “It’s about time you caught up.”

My mind whirled at her greeting and I somehow knew that she was talking about more than just my running to join her that day. She stuck out her hand, as if to shake mine, and instead grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward. The air crackled and popped around us and I felt myself being sucked into another world. Her world. The world I used to be a part of so long ago that was so different and so much more interesting to me than the world I was apart of now. A world full of imagination, adventure, and new ideas. A world that was so much more than what most people gave it a chance to be. A world where being myself was exciting and welcomed. A world where Jane Wall was my friend.

“Welcome to being boring.” She whispered; But I knew what she really meant, and I couldn’t help but smile.

(This story is based off of the beginning of my friendship with my best friend many years ago)

Is Jane Wall a Ghost? 

The real tragedy is that people often view a quiet person that mumbles their words and averts their eyes as someone who must be boring. Boring is what makes us eat too much or sleep through days when we are not tired. Boring is mindlessly watching television because we are too lazy to think of any real thing to do. Boring is really quite miserable and something we all wish to keep at as great of a distance from ourselves as we can. I have this funny notion, however, that boring and people do not really mix.

Jane Wall was the girl I barely noticed in the corner of the lunch room no one realized they avoided. When her name was called in class, it was immediately forgotten, and none of her clothes ever caught my eye. I at times thought that she was a ghost, playing tricks on my mind that made me think she was alive, until my day was over and I questioned if she had really been there at all. That would have been far more interesting than the Jane that did not speak unless she had to and wore holes into paper from her nervous doodling.

Some people just don’t have a life.” I recall my friend Ashley saying to me as we migrated towards the end of the cafeteria full of kids loudly discussing their clothes and what their moms packed them for lunch today.

Ashley knew everything. I knew this because she told me she had the boys wrapped around her finger and she never got a C on her assignments. I chose to hang out with her because she was interesting and fun, or at least, that is what everyone else seemed to think, and that was good enough for me. She chose to hang out with me because I was just interesting enough to not embarrass her and just boring enough to make her look better. I never saw anything wrong with this arrangement, mostly because I didn’t think I had any better options, but there was part of me that always wondered about Jane.

Do you really think Jane doesn’t ever do anything worth talking about?” I whispered back to Ashley, afraid that Jane may have somehow appeared behind us without me knowing it.

Ashley just rolled her eyes in response and the question was ignored as someone less average than me captured her attention. As she talked about boys with this newcomer my eyes slowly wandered back to where Jane was sitting in the corner by herself. She had not moved an inch since the last time I had looked at her, not even to eat the food on her tray. This was something I didn’t blame her for, as I glanced down at my own tray and realized that our lunch looked more like the aftermath of a bad skydiving trip. Perhaps she was frozen in fear at what might happen if she put any of it in her mouth. Literally frozen. I thought to myself. Is she even breathing?

My careful case study of the unmoving Jane Wall ended abruptly as I ran into the back of Ashley and dumped my skydiver vomit all over the cafeteria floor.

Alice!” Ashley whined loud enough to catch everyone’s attention. “You could have gotten that all over my new clothes, you space cadet!”

I blushed and apologized in a rushed way that made my words spill together as she made a show of helping me clean up the mess I had made.

Oh, it’s alright.” She said with exaggerated kindness. “I’m really not sure what you would do without me here to help you.”

Her words made me cringe a little and I sighed as I watched everyone around us nod sympathetically in Ashley’s direction. She smiled at them all in turn, as if to say, “This is just a side affect of being interesting,” and got up to throw away the one napkin she had touched the vomit with. I finished cleaning up and followed her to the table, trying to pay attention as she resumed conversation about boys and the latest fashions.

This was supposed to be the opposite of boring. This was supposed to make me more interesting and fun. These people were supposed to be my best friends.

I found my eyes wandering to where Jane Wall sat again and I blinked as I noticed she still had yet to move; At all. I wondered if she always sat like this and I just hadn’t noticed because I never really noticed anything she did; But that seemed just a little too boring to be boring. I was just about to get up and enter the side of the cafeteria everyone accidentally avoided just to check and see if she was still alive when she suddenly looked up at me. It was nothing more than a quick jolt that disappeared as soon as she looked away, but I was left with this odd feeling that she had just returned from somewhere far away.

This was the moment I realized that I was actually very curious about Jane Wall, the most boring, almost nonexistent person in our class of interesting and slightly mediocre people.

What if Jane is the interesting one, and the rest of us are too boring for her to notice? The thought entered my mind without permission and took root in the center of my brain. At first, I tried to shake it out of my head. This idea was unacceptable. What would Ashley think? What would the rest of my peers think? If I followed this thought to Jane would I not become as boring and unnoticed as she was? Would I not become a ghost? However, as crazy as it was and as much as I wanted to avoid it, this thought’s roots slowly started to spread throughout my mind until I could no longer ignore it’s presence.

_____________________

The next day began a bit differently than I was used to. I found myself noticing Jane Wall as soon as I walked into our homeroom. Had her desk always been in front of mine or had she purposefully moved? I found it weird that she was looking at me as I sat down behind her. It almost seemed like she had been waiting for me to arrive, and for some reason that was very unnerving. What if she suddenly thought she had a chance to be my friend just because we had happened to make eye contact the day before? What if she tried to have a conversation with me? What if-

Good morning, Alice.” My head snapped up as an unfamiliar voice broke through my panic.

I very quickly realized, to my shock and horror, that it was Jane that had spoken to me and she was still looking at me. Had her voice always been this clear and confident? Weird…

In order to avoid coming off as rude, just in case the people around me had noticed what was going on, I smiled at her and responded.

Good morning, Jane.” My voice cracked. I was flustered. I didn’t want to be boring.

She smiled at me and I thought I saw the air crackle around her for a brief second, which should have bothered me more than the thought of being seen as boring by association, but I was too caught up in myself to give it much thought. I did note that her smile was surprisingly above average though, and this was frustratingly curious.

Jane turned back around as Ashley walked into the room and I pinched myself to bring reality back. Just like that, things were back to normal. As Ashley stopped to complain to me about her mom’s choice of breakfast that morning I slowly forgot about Jane Wall again. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe none of that had actually happened and Jane was still the overly quiet, plain girl that always averted her eyes we were all comfortable with forgetting.

Or maybe she had a secret.

_______________________

The rest of the day was full of evidence; Evidence to support my theory that Jane Wall had a secret. I found myself watching her in spurts throughout the day, trying to convince myself I was crazy. I was surprised at what I noticed.

Jane Wall was not just doodling on her paper and her quick movements were not out of nervousness; She was not only great at drawing, she was fast. Jane Wall smiled and swayed back and forth while she was in the lunch line, as if she was enjoying a song that only she could hear. Jane Wall got A’s on all her homework and the teachers seemed to like her. Jane Wall watched everyone when she thought they were not looking and made faces at them. Jane Wall froze at lunch time and this time I was sure that the air around her crackled.

Jane Wall knew I was watching her.

As the school day drew to a close I had made up my mind. I was going to walk home with Jane and try to hold a conversation with her. If she was as interesting as I was starting to think she was than maybe I would start to hang out with her, and if she wasn’t, than no one would be around to judge me for talking to her.

Plus, I really just want to know if she goes somewhere at lunch that the rest of us don’t know about, or if I’m just losing my eyesight along with my mind. I thought to myself.

The bell rang and I jogged out of school with my books hanging halfway out of my bag. I had just seen Jane walk out the double doors and down the sidewalk towards the street and I didn’t want to miss her. As I neared the street and turned left on the sidewalk I screeched and came to an abrupt halt, sending my loose books out of my bag and onto the cement. Jane was suddenly standing right in front of me, as if she had been waiting for me to come.

Hello again, Alice.” She said brightly. “It’s about time you caught up.”

My mind whirled at her greeting and I somehow knew that she was talking about more than just my running to join her that day. She stuck out her hand, as if to shake mine, and instead grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward. The air crackled and popped around us and I felt myself being sucked into another world. Her world.

Welcome to being boring.” She whispered, and it was then that I realized my life would never be the same.

It was then that I realized the boring were the truly extraordinary.

(Please give me your thoughts and ideas in the comments below. What can I improve? What can I add? Where could I go with this? What can I take out?)

Writing is a Double Edged Sword

As a writer I very often suffer from the paradox of least wanting to do what I most want to do. Writing well takes great effort and care and it is not always enjoyable, but I hunger for it. There is not much that is more satisfying to me than writing a piece that I myself approve of.
We are, after all, our own worst critics. 
That’s the thought for today. I’m sorry I have not written much on here in a while. As I’ve gotten back into the swing of my next term and floor set has been taking place at my job, things have been extraordinarily busy. 

To make up for it a bit, here are a few photos I have taken recently that have almost nothing to do with the title of my post. 

   
 
(It’s me! Hello everyone! 😉 
As always, I love you all. Thank you so very much for your continued support despite my lack of consistency. You are all so amazing and encouraging and talented. 

Keep pushing forward! Good thoughts and prayers being sent your way. 

Happy Sunday! 

Stars in the Trees

The sky has stopped crying and the air is left smelling like wet earth. A small breeze is playing its way through the trees, and even though the sky has a sweater on I still see stars. 

Countless blinking stars in a place closer to my eyes. Flying around my face. Lighting up the branches over my head. Stars chasing each other and blinking to ask the other stars on dates. 

Even at the end of a bad day my heart is lifted by these little lights. These little fireflies. 

These stars in the trees.

Maybe summer isn’t so bad after all.

Hello Sunday

It is so beautiful outside today I could sit on my deck all day long and be perfectly happy.

I have decided that the sun and I should be friends. It met me with a warm embrace as I stepped out into its rays and its cradling me now as I sit here with my mug of cream filled joy.

Warm on the inside and warm on the outside. Fresh air in my lungs. Blue skies and tree branches that fill my vision.

Yes, I do believe I could sit like this forever.

Hello Sunday! How about you and I keep Monday away for a while?

Good Morning

A cool breeze and kisses of foam from a warm cup of joy.

Vines of morning glories that coil around rusty walls like snakes and the scent of freshly roasted beans tickling my nose.

The dogs are calling out to each other and old friends spark up lovely conversations, burning in the background like a fire that has been rekindled.

The world is waking up.

Good morning.

coffee_time_by_shadowsoflight09-d7g959j

“The topic of conversation wasn’t important – it was just the kind of place where you wanted to linger.” – Bob Goff